Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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