the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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