so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
