i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Less talking, more tequila
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
