im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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