Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
