i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
