nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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