i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
