we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
