can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
