I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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