god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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