this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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