i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
