Pappa wants mamma naked
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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