Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
