Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up under a house in Key West
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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