This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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