When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
