Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
