i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
