worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So much Jack, so little girl.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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