can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
