There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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