Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
