Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
