did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
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ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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