Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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