So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
worst night to have a conscience
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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