Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
