woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
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I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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