The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
