Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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