Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you had me at cake vodka
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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