guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
