no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
