mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
