we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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