you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
