Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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