i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
do herpes really smell.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
40s are totally the cure
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
