two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
