my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
