I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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