Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
