Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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