Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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