I faked an abortion last night.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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