I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
