I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
