took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
