So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
