i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
