I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
