so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i barfeds in our rink
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
