I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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