I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
