She said her name was "party"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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