Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
