this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
